Postive Ponderings-Part 3

Tool #3
Act, don't talk

The first concept I took from this rule was that its disrespectful to nag, threaten or lecture. I was thinking about this today as I started to yell out to Ava over something. I began to think on how I would feel if someone came at me like that and realized I would completely turn inward and would, honestly, be crushed. We're working on respectful relationships and those rarely include threats and nagging.

Other concepts related include:
Give up counting to three-ACT!
Ask once, then move
Don't ask, tell them what you want done
Make sure you're in the same room before you make requests of children

In my quest for a mutually respectful relationship, I asked Ava how many times she wanted me to ask her to do something. She told me three and so I countered with twice. Once more than Dr. Nelsen recommends. I'm okay with this since it was previously ten to twenty. Ha! I was just happy to make Ava a part of the process so I could remind her it was her idea, not mine, to be asked only twice.

I have also started re-phrasing my requests. Instead of "Ava would you please go brush your teeth" I offer, "Ava brush your teeth and show me when you're done". Asking assumes there is a choice. I'm not offering a choice.

The last concept, being in the same room when making requests, simply insures that the child has indeed heard you and is moving to get it done.

Postive Ponderings--Part 2

Tool #2
Decide what you'll do and do it.

Ah, yes. The infamous "mean what you say and say what you mean". I struggle with this one. I've really tried to focus on what I'm promising is going to happen, good and bad. I've been caught a few times saying things like, "If you don't stop right now you won't get to go to the birthday party!" Really? I'm going to skip a fun time with adults and kids alike because they wouldn't follow through? So I'm getting better about that and creating consequences that I am willing to actually follow through with myself.

This also applies in a positive sense. We use potty rewards, Jelly Belly jelly beans actually. Its so easy for me to postpone the jelly bean distribution but when the kids see that I don't follow through in a positive sense they are more likely to assume I won't follow through in an authoritative sense as well.

This rule also relates to the "mutually respectful relationships" concept Dr. Nelsen speaks of. Its not respectful to promise something (postive or negative) and not follow through. The potential is there for the child to learn that you cannot be relied upon and that your words don't match up with your actions. Children thrive with boundaries and security and what can be more secure than people who follow through?

Homeschooling: 1 point

So I get a kick out of spelling and grammatical errors. You probably wouldn't know it from my blog but hey I'm typing this stream of consciousness with three kids pulling at me...

Anyhow, we were driving by the local elementary school today and there is a HUGE sign on the chain link fence that was probably about 12 feet long by 4 feet wide and it read:

WATCH FOR KID'S PLAYING

There is just a certain irony in the location. Ha!

Can it be climbed? Kicked? Thrown?

Those who argue that there is no difference between the sexes clearly didn't have one of each gender living in their homes. I never would've believed that boys were really that different than girls until Eli entered our lives. This morning was a prime example. Eli climbs. A lot. On everything. Today he climbed onto the top of the kids' chair and then tries to climb the back rungs. I tell him, "Sit on your bottom", and he smiles at me and squats down so that his little cheeks almost touch and then bounces right back up and tries again. He's discovered he can push the kids' chairs against the counter and then climb up the chair and if the drawers are just so can scale those until he reaches his destination. Counter tops, dresser tops and the like are merely plateaus on his journey. He is also starting to walk but the walk isn't as interesting to him as the kicking. I think for him walking is but a means to an end. He wants to kick a ball: soccer balls, baseballs, beach balls. He doesn't care but he wants to kick it and today he discovered batting. He grabbed my kitchen broom and played with it for a while swinging it around, tapping the floor with it. Then he saw his ball. I knew right away by the glimmer in his eye what he was about to do. He picks up the broom and SWINGS it toward the ball making contact and the ball went rolling. Success! Needless to say he was very pleased with himself.

Then Jillian walked in and said, "What is Eli doing with the broom? Can I sweep the playroom?"

Yes. Very different.

Positive Ponderings--Part 1

So I am re-reading "Positive Discipline A-Z" by Dr. Jane Nelsen. This is one of my all time favorite books as it gives a concise overview of positive discipline and helpful steps for addressing specific behaviors. The latter is something missing out of a lot of parenting books. There are 27 steps laid out in Positive Discipline. I thought I'd add this section to the blog as I work through these things and read through the book again. This book and concepts are similar to what I taught in the parenting classes at the YWCA. I would love to hear people comment and perhaps try to implement these things into their homes!

One of the things I love about this book is that it meshes well with a study on discipline I did in scripture. I was growing frustrated at the general idea that somehow spanking is a God-mandated thing for our homes and decided to head to the source myself. Well in my review of scripture I not only found that the spanking conclusion is shaky but I found a fresh perspective on discipline itself. Jane Nelson describes positive discipline as: instructing, educating, preparing, training, regulating, skill building, focusing on solutions, constructive, encouraging, affirming, helpful, loving, optimistic and is focused on mutually respectful relationships. WOW! What a positive perspective, hence the title "Positive Discipline".

The first tool of 27 is:

"Be Kind and Firm"
As Dr. Nelsen points out, parent are often either too controlling or milquetoast or some combination of the two. Instead we should be practicing firmness coupled with kindness. Dr. Nelsen states that being the boss or milquetoast involves the parent reacting instead of being proactive. Waiting until something happens and responding to it in the moment. (Ok all guilty parties raise your hand!) Essentially kind and firm parents would observe before acting, show their children what to do, look for solutions instead of blame and realize the only person they can change is THEMSELVES! Kind and firm parents also let go of the guilt and worry and allow their kids to make mistakes and learn from them.

So one of the biggest things I got out of this relates to one of my biggest frustrations with parenting: I can only control myself. I spend a lot of my time growing frustrated that they just aren't getting it. Don't we all do this? Maybe its a friend, a co-worker, a child. We love to try to change people! Understanding that my child is their own little person whom I cannot control, only guide and teach, releases me of a lot of guilt and anger. I shouldn't bend over (remember kind and FIRM!) but I can let go of the need to control and force them into the child I want them to be. Wow is this ever key when you have a strong-willed child.

So anyone want to add anything? Do you find yourself being more controlling or milquetoast? Maybe a combination? Maybe your parenting is a combination?

News Flash!

Eli started waving this week and making an attempt at saying hi. He even blew kisses! It comes out more as "huh" than anything but I pretty much say that counts as his first word aside from Da-da.

He's brilliant, just like the other two. *wink*

Use your words

Ava is fully five. I had someone recommend to me a book titled, "Your Five Year Old: Sunny and Serene". I don't know if she was serious or joking but clearly she never met our five year old. We've been struggling with Ava watching her tone and her words with us. We had a period of time where she would get so angry and yell at us the largest of insults in her five year old world: "You're a little....BABY!" Her and I had a talk about it and about showing respect to her father and I. The very next time she grew angry I waited for the infamous "baby" insult and instead I saw her little mind working overtime as she attempted to use her words and come up with a more appropriate way to express her feelings. This is what came out:

"You're a .... MRS. MOMMY!"

Oh man! I was trying so hard to keep my laughter in. I didn't want to hurt the poor dear's feelings nor do I really want to encourage these types of outbursts from happening more often than they already are. Mrs. Mommy? Well it was certainly respectful of her elders...and she did use my correct title for our home...I let it go. She's trying and she's thinking about her words first which is all I can really ask of her. Baby steps.

Now, Mrs. Mommy is off to wait for the sun and serenity. Maybe it will peek out before she turns six.

Thursday Thoughts

First, does anyone have a better source for blogger layouts? This one drives me absolutely crazy because everything is in one straight column. I'd like it to take up more of the page width. Its just I'm kind of obsessive about symmetry and my page is anything but symmetrical.

Well, I was talking to my friend Tanya last night and she mentioned homeschooling and our cousin, Faith, and her blog. I realized that I've mentioned we're homeschooling but haven't really shared what we're doing aside from our part-time co-op program. So for fellow home-schoolers, future home-schoolers or people who are just curious over whether my kids are going to learn anything, here is what we're doing.

We're using Spell to Write and Read by Wanda Sanseri as our spelling program. This is so far an amazing program but very in depth. The teacher manual itself is a read and a half. For penmanship we're using Cursive First. Ava can already print most of her letters but we're taking a cursive approach which I believe will really help her with her fluidity. She struggles a bit with the stop and start of printing so I think cursive will provide an ease of directionality and a soft fluidity which should really help. Lastly, we are using Math U See Primer for her math work. This is the program I needed. Everything is so visual and we are basically starting out with teaching her that the numbers are 0-9, not 1-10. My engineer husband said, "Yeah. Of course!" and I looked at him and said, "Well *I* was never taught that way!" So we are learning as we go that we both bring very different experiences to the educational table in our home.

Everything else is a bit of a hodge-podge. We're taking a classical approach with some Charlotte Mason influences (how's that for home education speak?) which basically means our kids will be geniuses. Ha! Really, I've read some great books and really feel that this combination provides the kids a fabulous educational foundation and hopefully will establish in these early years a love for learning.

Saying Goodbye

My brother Andrew left for his pre-deployment training prior to deploying out to Iraq. We got together as a family to say goodbye and these are some pictures we got of him and his fiancee and all the kiddos. I've started a second blog to follow his journey and keep everyone up to date. It is sisterofasoldier.blogspot.com Also, if you're interested in getting his address to send him cards or encouragement to him or his unit, drop me a comment and I'll email you privately. We're really going to miss him and pray safety and strength.

Friends and Fondue

Jon took me out for my 30th birthday with our dear friends Walter and Aletha to La Fondue in Saratoga. We've made this a tradition to skip the gifts and take one another out on all our birthdays. We enjoyed some good food and good times as fondue takes FOREVER. This time we skipped the bottles of wine since we discovered last birthday that two bottles of wine between four people equals a whole lot of lightheadedness and a very long birthday dinner. Ha! Just thought I'd throw some adult moments in so I can remind myself that we're not only mom and dad but we're husband and wife and have a life full of good friends.

Ava's first day of kindergarten

Ava celebrated her first day of school today. While we are homeschooling, we are doing a homeschool hybrid of sorts. She'll go to school two days a week and I'll carry her studies at home the other three days. She had a great time today and her only complaint was that they didn't do science. There are six kids total: 3 girls, 3 boys. Her favorite part of the day was recess. Ha! It doesn't matter if you're homeschooled or public-schooled, every kid loves recess!

Mourning....or noon

Well, I have to start off with the news that our dear lizard didnt make it long in this house. Seems they were more interested in holding it and then letting it go in order to turn the lizard habitat into an unripe peach habitat since thats exactly what I found in his jar. I checked. The lizard was NOT underneath the unripe peach so I believe him to be safe.

On another note, I overheard Ava say as she steps out of the house:

"WOW! WOW! WOW! Look! It's a NOON dove! Mommy, a NOON dove, a NOON dove!"

Too cute.

Lizard Wednesdays

While we cannot compete with the creatures our dear cousins in middle-of-nowhere-California find on a daily basis, we do have our large share of lizards. The kids found a young lizard today and after some very quick googling we are certain its this guy, a western fence lizard. So the girls are busy building him a habitat and drawing decorations for his jar. They decided some portraits of lizards and some carpet would be nice so they promptly glued them to the sides and bottom of his jar. Welcome to our house, little guy!

Spiritual Stepping Stones

This came with a toy we gave Jillian for her birthday. I thought it was too good not to share. Sometimes as parents we wonder how much and in what way we can share Christ with them. Click on Spiritual Stepping Stones once there. Enjoy!

http://one2believe.com/freeresources.asp

The Middle Class Insurance Conundrum

I'm going to share some personal financials with y'all but I do it with a purpose. This is an election year and I encourage everyone to consider something that affects each of us, especially those of us with families: medical insurance costs.

You all know us, healthy young couple with three kids. We have a standard PPO (preferred provider option) plan with a major insurer. Jon's employer covered his costs but we paid out of pocket monthly for four dependents $190.14. This is for a plan with a deductible of $500 per individual or a family deductible of $1500. Each office visit had a co-pay of $20 and we paid 20% out of pocket for a preferred provider and 70% out of pocket for a non-preferred provider.

To give you an idea of what we paid out each year, this year in AUGUST, we have met our family deductible of $1500. We have paid out co-pays of approximately $60 per month ($480) and currently have an outstanding invoice equaling $1005.00 for some cardiology work-ups for Jillian and Eli. We pay an additional approximate $50 per month in misc. costs from the 20% we owe at each visit.

Using these numbers our out of pocket expenses for this year will be somewhere around $5101.00!

And that doesn't include births. I paid around $2000 out of pocket to the hospital and $500 for my OB care and an additonal $500 for anesthesia.

Jon has started a new job and we have a lapse in care for 30 days. COBRA notified me that the per month cost for our family of five will be $1100.00.

This is absolutely ridiculous. And we have "good" plan with "affordable" rates. There are millions of uninsured people in our country and inability to afford a quality plan is one of the top reasons. We make a decent income. I cannot imagine paying $5000 per year on an income our government would deem middle class.

Please consider the financial strain this places on low and middle class income families as you look at the upcoming elections. Listen to the options being presented by the presidential candidates and consider what it means not only for your family but families across America. We are fortunate that while this is an expense that is no fun to pay it does not place financial stress or uncertainty on us. Insurance costs however continue to spiral out of control while insurance companies make it harder and harder for people to qualify. At minimum, families shouldn't face inadequate or no coverage for their children. Medical care should be something affordable and available to the American public and a priority of all elected officials, regardless of political affiliation.

Family

We went to Oregon in June for my grandpa's memorial service. I have so many pictures to post but wanted to share this picture of my extended family all together. My Dad has six brothers and sisters and we all gathered together to celebrate my Grandpa's life. Its rare for us to all be together which makes this picture even more special. Enjoy and I'll post more Oregon memories in the next week.

Happy Birthday, Jillian Rose!

Jillian, my dear, today you are three! For the last six months you have been telling everyone you were "two and a half" even up through yesterday. Now your birthday is finally here! When you arrived you blessed our family. You were our biggest baby and turned out to have the biggest, sweetest personality as well. You bring laughter to our lives and smiles to our faces. You love to love. You love to dance. You love to sing. You are caring toward others, sensitive and thoughtful. You make us laugh with the way you see life and you definitely fill your name as Jillian means 'youthful' and I believe you will always have a youthful, joyful perspective on life. We love you, Jilly Rose!

Love.

"I was overjoyed to find some of your children walking in the truth...But now, dear lady, I ask you, not as though I were writing another commandment, but one we have had from the beginning, let us love one another. " 2 John 4 NSRV

Wow. So, I read a lot of blogs. I love keeping up on them, especially the ones about family and mothering. But its rare to see a mom post about the times when she's going crazy, ready to call it quits (whatever that looks like when you run the house). Well, I've had that kind of a week. I've broken down a lot this week in tears or anger. The kids are challenging and demanding. I'm feeling at a loss for how to discipline them or mold their little personalities into something beautiful. I've prayed and prayed that God would show me how to handle these challenges and how to handle my children.

Last night I cried out that God would reveal to me how to respond to Ava and Jillian, how to fix this mess. I opened my calendar today and saw this verse and I knew that God had been faithful once again in answering me. Of course this was not what I was expecting and immediately I felt that this was God correcting me, not encouraging me! See, the kiddos love God. I spend a lot of time talking about God, singing praises, praying, reading and I often pride myself on being an example to them in these things. What I felt God tell me I was missing was Love. I'm not loving them enough. Not encouraging them enough. My days are spent yelling and correcting far more than loving and offering grace. Wow. Let us love one another. How simple but how difficult. Loving my girls when they are completely unlovable is challenging but its what I know God is asking me to do. Thank you, Lord for reminding me what matters most. Thank you for your faithfulness in answering my prayer.

Now, I'm off to love.

Football! Football! Football!

Yahoo so kindly reminded me that its almost draft time for the fantasy leagues. So, we've got our Go Deep! fantasy league all set up for the 2008-2009 season. I'm sure most of you have heard about our secret little pastime in the Olson house. Its made a football believer out of me (Sara). We're always looking for friends to join us so if you're interested drop me a note and I'll send you an invite to join. If you join however, you've gotta stay on top and play!

And just a note, I would not advise drafting more than one Bengal player as your stars in a given year. Just a little lesson I learned from last year. Darn Chad Johnson!

Go teams!

The defense rests, your Honor.

My, we have a budding attorney on our hands! I had mentioned to Jon that I wanted us to discuss having the kids stay in church with us for worship and then take them to their classes but I wasn't sure how they were going to feel about it nor what they were going to miss . Well, Ava overheard our conversation and (verbatim, people) said the following:

"Mom and Dad, I have three reasons why I do not want to go to your class. They are:
Number One: No toys
Number Two: No snack
Three: No playtime
Those are my three reasons why I do not want to go to your class."

What can you say to that clearly laid out argument? Jon chuckled and responded with, "Well, that's a clear and concise argument. I cannot disagree with any of your statements." and we just started laughing. I wish you could have heard her confidence. There was no way we were going to win that one!

A trip down memory lane

I came across these today and had to let out a little sigh. They grow so fast. I can't believe these precious little babes are my active little girls today. Amazing.

Ava

Ava at 8 months

Jillian

Meditations

"Now I live to bring you praise..."

We were singing this in church yesterday and this very verse seemed to at the same time convict and bless my spirit. I've been doing a study on Daniel and we were discussing this week the way the King had used the goblets from the temple, holy objects, in an unholy way.

The holy being used for the unholy.

I have thought frequently over this last week how I, filled with His holiness, may not always be participating in holy things. If I proclaim a change in my life, proclaim that I am dedicated to Christ, then how does that look in my day to day life? Am I truly living to bring praise to God?

I'm not. I know I'm not. I can think of a million things and thoughts that are anything but holy and would definitely not be considered praise to God. I'm thankful to Him for His forgiveness however and most thankful for His whispers into my ears and heart when I am not meeting his standard nor his call on my life. Thank you Lord for your reminders no matter how difficult they are to hear sometimes.

Watch Keepers

The verse of the day from my flippy calendar yesterday was Mark 13:32-33, 36-37 NIV:

No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father. Be on guard! Be alert! You do not know when the time will come. If he comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. What I say to you, I say to everyone: "Watch!"

Now this perplexed me. Not even the Son knows? Jesus Christ himself? I laid in bed last night thinking about this and even threw it at Jon who mumbled back something like, "Mmm. Wow. Interesting. Snozzzzzzzzz....." [Clearly he isn't taking literally the command to not be found sleeping.]

Has anyone ever caught this before? Have anything to say? I'll do my own set of investigation here but I'd be interested if anyone has anything enlightening to add. I mean we (okay, most believers) operate believing in three distinct persons: Father, Son and Holy Spirit. But I find it completely fascinating that they would operate separate from one another rather than as the old "three-in-one" that we all typically ascribe to. Why? What would be the purpose of the Son not knowing the day of God's return? And it also leads me to wonder, is Jesus Christ returning or is it truly only God? I mean, if the Son doesn't know the date, is the Son returning or is it only the Father? Semantics or something more?

Penny Pincher

The girls have been saving their money earned by jobs around the house and (shhh!) mom dumping her spare change as equally as possible into their jars. Ava has been saving specifically for a humongous "Cars" art pad which was exactly $9.99 at Target and Jillian just thought buying anything sounded like fun. So off we trekked to Target today.

Ava made her purchase and I dumped out a coin purse full of change (note to self: Coinstar to exchange coins to bills) and made her purchase. Next it was Jillian's turn. She proudly placed her Hello Kitty art pad onto the scanner and I counted out her change and handed it to the cashier. Suddenly, wailing ensued. Unsure what the problem was I told her that the cashier has to take her money. Jillian continued to scream that she didn't want me to give it to her and I thought that she just wanted to do it herself. After all, the child *is* two.

When we finally made our way to the parking lot, after scowls from the gentleman behind me and daggers from people around me who clearly have no children, I finally was able to get down to Jillian's level. I asked her what the problem was and she told me:

J: "I dont want the worker to take my money!"
M: "Honey, that's what the worker does. You buy something and she takes your money. You can't do it yourself."
J: "But I want to KEEP my mooooonnnnneeeeeyyyyyy!"
M: "You don't want to give it to her at all?"
J: "NO! I want to keep it all!"
M: "But then you can't buy anything?"
J: "I want to keep all of my money. I don't want to buy anything!"

Ah. She inherited her Grandpa B's penny-pinching ways. The poor child didn't want to part with her money for things.

Well, we made it into the car and Ava promptly tells her:
"Jilly, maybe you should just save all your money and give a little bit to God."

And Jillian responded with,
"Yes, Ava. That's what I'm going to do now. I don't want anyone to have my money again."


Grandpa, I hope you're proud!

Cutie Pie

We visited a place named Pennington Farms on our recent trip to Oregon. They make absolutely delicious pie turnovers and savories. YUM! Jillian enjoyed a few bites and we got back into the car. As we were driving I turned around to check on her and saw her chewing away on something in her mouth with a strange look on her face:

"Jillian? What's in your mouth, honey?"
"Ummmm. Pie nuts."
"Pie nuts?"
"Yes, pie nuts are stuck in my teeth from my pie."
"Do you mean berry seeds? From the berry pie?"
"Oh! Yeah! That's what they are. Berry seeds!"

Oh man, we were in stitches! Pie nuts!