So I am re-reading "Positive Discipline A-Z" by Dr. Jane Nelsen. This is one of my all time favorite books as it gives a concise overview of positive discipline and helpful steps for addressing specific behaviors. The latter is something missing out of a lot of parenting books. There are 27 steps laid out in Positive Discipline. I thought I'd add this section to the blog as I work through these things and read through the book again. This book and concepts are similar to what I taught in the parenting classes at the YWCA. I would love to hear people comment and perhaps try to implement these things into their homes!
One of the things I love about this book is that it meshes well with a study on discipline I did in scripture. I was growing frustrated at the general idea that somehow spanking is a God-mandated thing for our homes and decided to head to the source myself. Well in my review of scripture I not only found that the spanking conclusion is shaky but I found a fresh perspective on discipline itself. Jane Nelson describes positive discipline as: instructing, educating, preparing, training, regulating, skill building, focusing on solutions, constructive, encouraging, affirming, helpful, loving, optimistic and is focused on mutually respectful relationships. WOW! What a positive perspective, hence the title "Positive Discipline".
The first tool of 27 is:
"Be Kind and Firm"
As Dr. Nelsen points out, parent are often either too controlling or milquetoast or some combination of the two. Instead we should be practicing firmness coupled with kindness. Dr. Nelsen states that being the boss or milquetoast involves the parent reacting instead of being proactive. Waiting until something happens and responding to it in the moment. (Ok all guilty parties raise your hand!) Essentially kind and firm parents would observe before acting, show their children what to do, look for solutions instead of blame and realize the only person they can change is THEMSELVES! Kind and firm parents also let go of the guilt and worry and allow their kids to make mistakes and learn from them.
So one of the biggest things I got out of this relates to one of my biggest frustrations with parenting: I can only control myself. I spend a lot of my time growing frustrated that they just aren't getting it. Don't we all do this? Maybe its a friend, a co-worker, a child. We love to try to change people! Understanding that my child is their own little person whom I cannot control, only guide and teach, releases me of a lot of guilt and anger. I shouldn't bend over (remember kind and FIRM!) but I can let go of the need to control and force them into the child I want them to be. Wow is this ever key when you have a strong-willed child.
So anyone want to add anything? Do you find yourself being more controlling or milquetoast? Maybe a combination? Maybe your parenting is a combination?
15 years ago
1 comments:
Hmmm. The longer we parent the less eager I am to try and pin down the best parenting techniques. it always ends up being embarrassing two years down the road when we hit a different stage or child and switch methods. :)
I think that you are right that it is consistency that is the key. The Bible certainly does not mandate physical punishments like spanking. But it is legal in CA and is not forbidden by scripture either, so long as it is done in a clam and restrained way. In most cases, I think other penalties make more sense and work better, but occasionally we do spank.
Overall it seems that the boys' attitudes and compliance reflects my own spiritual walk pretty well. When I am being lazy and not correcting behavior right away or speak unkindly they follow suit and the day goes downhill fast. When I am willing to be a servant as Christ was and just do what needs doing whether I feel like it or not, they also reflect that and obey much more willingly and are kinder themselves. Particularly our strong-willed one.
It's hard because you have imperfect parents raising imperfect children. There are bound to be conflicts. But I think you are wise to look at the future in that you can teach, but not force. Some of our kids' flaws will just have to be handled by the Holy Spirit. Perhaps this area falls alongside so much of the Christian walk in that it is good to read and plan, but ultimately we function best when focused on God rather than the promise of results. We all fail. He doesn't. Good food for thought.
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